I Had to Lean In to Realize I Want to Lean Out

This story has been a long time coming. In fact, I’ve probably written half a dozen versions. It’s taken me 18 months to get my words to a place that felt right, and I could still keep editing. This story is deeply personal, but I think it’s a conversation that needs to be had. We live in a world where there are two types of moms – the working mom and the stay-at-home mom. What about the rest of us? The women who fall in between? What about the working mom who wishes she could stay home or the SAHM who works part-time or the mom who is a combination of everything? What about her? 

I leaned in. It was nothing like I expected – and I’m a realist. In fact, an earlier version of this story was called, “I Leaned In and it Almost Broke Me”. Now here we are a year and a half later, finally recovered from the #riseandgrind “hustle culture” and I realize that leaning is a terrible place to be – it’s unsteady, temporary, and weak. I’ve learned I want to be standing – strong, grounded, and present. 

2020 was a lot of things. But for me, the biggest part was a gnawing identity crisis that I couldn’t put into words. Until now.

xx, Kendall

18 months ago, I went from a full-time working mom to a full-time stay-at-home mom (SAHM). Overnight, it was a commute four hours a day, one kid is always sick, pickup/drop off logistical dance to an I never have to wear real clothes again SAHM life. Throw a global pandemic on top of it and well, the dichotomy of the two goes far beyond the fact that I can count the number of times I wore makeup those first few months on two hands. Even though more time with my kids is what I wanted, it didn’t make the change any less jarring.

Last year pre-COVID, I was interviewing for my dream job, or what should have been. Sitting in the car after five hours of interviews I thought to myself, “I don’t want this job”. But that didn’t stop me from trying to convince myself I did. On paper, it checked all the boxes, and it was a seven-minute drive from our house. The list of PROs was long, contrasted by one single CON. I didn’t want the job. I knew it would be great for a year or two and then the honeymoon period would wear off. I’d move on under the guise of “wanting a new challenge” or whatever the recruiter told me to say. I couldn’t wrap my head around why I was completely uninterested in jobs I’d spent the past decade working towards. I didn’t want this perfect job because as much as I tried to convince myself otherwise, deep down I knew it was no longer my dream. 

A couple of months ago I was listening to a podcast with Leah Ashley, former TV personality on the show FABLife with Chrissy Tiegen and Joe Zee. She talks about how the show gets canceled shortly after her first baby is born. She says “I started looking around at my life and just realized I don’t want to do this. I could stay in LA and hustle and I’d get on another show, and that would be great for a year or two, and then that would get canceled. I’d move on and it would be this up and down ebb and flow. And my whole career – would basically be living for someone else’s yes or no. Is that how I want to live the rest of my life?” (Minutes 43:45 – 45:50 in case you’re interested) I saw myself in every word. It’s what I’d struggled to articulate for months. 

Without realizing it, that January day as I sat in my car, I saw this ebb and flow of my life in front of me. I knew that job, or another like it, would take another 2-5 years from me, and soon enough my whole career would be commuting 2-4 hours a day to build someone else’s dream. Is that how I wanted to live the rest of my life? It just clicked when she said, “Do I want to focus so much energy on my career that one day I look down and have a ten-year-old. I had this moment like I just can’t do this anymore. I accomplished my dream and at that point, it was time for a new dream.” 

After being laid off from my first job I swore to myself that I’d never let that happen again. I busted my ass for years – hustling after the next promotion, higher salary, bigger title – and I honestly loved it. Until I didn’t. Leaving my 2.5-year-old and 11-month-old suddenly felt so wrong. It felt completely unnatural to leave my babies in a cold daycare room at 6:45 a.m. And it wasn’t much better leaving them even on the days my parents babysat. I’d drop off my incessantly sick kids and say thank you so much, when I should have said, “enjoy that sinus infection you’re going to get.” 

Getting laid off at the end of 2019 gave me a moment of pause. It allowed me to see what I couldn’t amidst the daily grind. It allowed me to accept what I had known deep down, that the path I was on was no longer my dream. So you may ask if I’m happy with how things turned out why am I penning 1,500 words on the matter? Because the truth is I’ve had this unidentifiable feeling that I’m doing something wrong.

The hardest part has been feeling guilty – and honestly a little embarrassed – that my path had changed when so much of my identity was tied up in being this career-woman-working-mom. And to be honest I was very proud of it. As were the people around me. By no longer wanting some elusive corner office I felt I was letting down my husband, my dad, my sister, my mentors, and my former 20-something female colleagues who looked up to me as a mentor – and most of all myself.

We live in a time when the working mom is this elite club – the can-do, I-don’t-know-how-she-does-it, modern-day glass ceiling crusher. There is article after article putting her on a pedestal of praise. I felt less than and small for not wanting that anymore. I mean, you’re supposed to lean in not out these days. 

So much of my identity was tied up in the question, “what do you do?” that I find myself floundering. What am I doing? Well, I’m raising two kids dammit. And starting my own business. But even if I was “only” a stay-at-home mom, why isn’t that enough? JUST. As if motherhood isn’t the most trying yet rewarding job. Not to mention motherhood is my dream job – so why shouldn’t I feel proud as hell?   

Even when I was in the thick of it and loving the work, I’ve always said, I prefer my worst day at home to my best day at work. There is just nothing more fulfilling to me than taking care of my family. And being quarantined for the past year has only heightened this love. I feel like I’ve gotten back all those little moments (tantrums included) with my kids that I lost when they were in daycare. My kids, not being head of marketing, is my new dream. Them. Dave. Our family. My new dream is to spend every moment possible with them while they are in this fleeting pre-school stage. I want my kids’ firsts, first-hand. Seeing them two hours a day wasn’t enough for me. 

Working for myself hasn’t been easy and I certainly have fond memories of things like PTO and my full-time salary, but then I remind myself that working for myself, part-time, to be able to give the most of myself to my family, is my dream. Because as it turns out, I’d rather be sitting with my kids over lunch talking about what color car everyone in our family drives than debating the best practices of marketing with some overly sure of himself sales guy. (And let’s be clear, that’s something I once found energizing.)

Where do you see yourself in five years? Five years ago, fresh off promotion and already planning for the next one, I never would have thought I’d be “leaning out”. It’s funny how life leads you to where you’re supposed to be. I’m living what I hope to someday teach my kids. Dreams change, people evolve, and that’s OK. You should embrace it and be proud as hell. Who knows, maybe someday being some big shot executive will go back on my list of goals. But right now it’s not. And guess what, I’m finally OK with the fact that I really am, okay with it.