Yesterday I received my annual “WordPress Review” email and it was a harsh reality to see I only posted eight times in 2014. How sad. Over the past year I’ve found myself lamenting about my four dozen, half-written blog posts, wondering how to crack this writer’s block. All year I’d stare at a post and feel like with each word I pen I was passing a kidney stone. For me, this means one thing, I’m happy. I’ve always said that it’s easier for me to write thought-provoking material when I’m miserable. Also sad, but true. I mean this blog was born out of unemployment’s misery. But no more of this woe-is-me crap, it’s time to get to the main event, writing and reflecting on 2014.
Did we fast forward through 2014 or is it just me? I’m definitely in denial that it’s coming to an end. 2014, you’ve been so good to me. As I await Dave’s homecoming and our second New Year’s Eve together, I can’t help but become reflective.
I look back at the choices I’ve made that have led me to where I am today and I feel accomplished, and satisfied. I don’t feel the need to qualify any of my actions. My sentences don’t start with “but” or “soon”. I am where I am and it’s refreshing to be comfortable with it. The reason that I’m so surprised by this isn’t because it’s a revolutionary feeling for most people but because it is one for me. I know myself well enough to know I get bored quickly, very quickly. I love feeling uncomfortable in something new. I crave knowing there is something great ahead or a challenge that needs to be conquered won. I also know myself well enough to know that when this feeling wears off I start looking for something else. I don’t know if this is a virtue or fault but regardless, I’m very aware of it. Nevertheless, as this year unfolded it became clear to me that there’s a unique value in sticking something out. Value to your personal evolution that’s different from constant change.
The beginning of 2014 was a whirlwind – full of the kind of change that I crave. Between the stress of apartment hunting in this crazy city to starting a new job on a very volatile team, it was chaotic and I loved every moment. The year was full of weekend trips, weddings and new experiences whether it be hiking Half Dome or hiring my first real direct report. My first major trip abroad in four years ushered in my first holiday season with Dave in our new place. It was a year of so much newness, but also so much calm. Moving in with Dave couldn’t have been easier, my job was challenging but in a way that came naturally, and with every passing day I felt more at home in my life. More rooted.
So that’s all good right? Well, let’s just say that even typing the word “rooted” makes me a bit anxious. I never want my life to become stale and I’ve long attributed roots to feeling stale. But as I’ve really settled into my life I’m starting to see what putting down roots looks like for me. And it’s that my individual “roots” will never be at the same depth. The roots of my relationship will always be deeper than the roots of my job. The roots of my passion for writing will always be deeper than the topics of my writing. This year I’ve learned that even though I’m putting down roots I’ll always be somewhat untethered, and that’s okay.
Take this blog for example. I tried to give it roots by focusing the theme on one of my greatest passions – food. But where did that leave me? Uninspired and pigeonholed. It took me almost 12 months to realize that the long spurts of inactivity are a sign I’m feeling uninspired. The topic has become stale to me. And when writing for fun isn’t your full-time job it’s easy to push aside a half-written post for something less stale.
Then there is my relationship, totally not stale. Two years on Sunday. I’m not surprised how this one has stuck, yet I am surprised how “not bored I am”. The fact that everyday we have a new dumb pun or dirty joke that tailspins into endless laughter makes it hard for things to feel stale.
I’ve finally come to put it into words – maybe this is me cracking the writer’s block? I want roots in some areas of my life and definitely not in others. For the first time, maybe ever, I’m not going into a new year with big plans for change. I’ll watch some of my most beloved friends get married. More domestic and international travel plans are in the works. The 30th birthday of my wildest friend. A few trips to Lake Tahoe will certainly be in order. And the ever-present search for art for our walls will continue. I’m looking forward to 2015; of course I’ll be open to any big changes should they present themselves, but for now I’m excited for what I see on the horizon.
[Image via Pinterest]
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