First trimester reflections from a first time mom.
On the scale of difficult pregnancies, mine has been far from difficult. In fact, it’s been incredibly easy. I experienced virtually no morning sickness, so the “extreme fatigue” that only lasted about a month, seems pale in comparison. Physically I had it easy. But those first 14 weeks were hard, although not for the reasons I would have expected before I got pregnant.
After the immediate joy Dave and I shared upon confirming we were pregnant, anxiety crept in. My family history and my generally healthy lifestyle suggested the good possibility that I could get pregnant. I had no reason to think it would take me a long time to conceive, but as crazy as this sounds, the ever-diligent planner that I am had a rough timeline in my head as to when I thought it would happen – and the timeline was not short. When it happened on the first try, we were shocked. Like flabbergasted. To the point that for the first few days we weren’t convinced I was actually pregnant. I know couples who’ve struggled to get pregnant so it was certainly not lost on me how lucky we were, and I do feel truly grateful. But Dear Diary, if I’m being honest, all of a sudden the “we’re trying phase” my Type A personality had allotted to get used to the idea of getting pregnant was replaced with being pregnant. Suddenly I felt like Dave and I hadn’t been married for long enough. I saw my bucket list gathering dust and I wondered if we were leaving behind a life we loved too soon. I worried about how this “cluster of cells” would affect the relationship I have with my husband.
Luckily, these feelings didn’t last long, because as soon as the fatigue set in I literally could not think of anything other than how much I wanted to sleep and how grouchy I was that all I had the energy to do was sleep! The fatigue was isolating, like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I often didn’t feel like I could physically handle anything other than work and sleep. Even when I was awake, I was in such a daze that I had no desire to see people or even talk on the phone. The walls of our apartment felt claustrophobic and constricting as they suppressed a secret that I so desperately wanted to share.
As an unfiltered oversharer, who talks to her mom every day and shares everything with her friends, I’ve never wanted to tell them something so badly. However, there was something holding me back. There was a very uncertain month (weeks 5-9) where we initially thought we might miscarry. Not only was I tired and alone, but alone with my thoughts that this fatigue might be for nothing. Talk about horrible. I guess you never really know how bad you want something until you might lose it. Thankfully, everything turned out well but that stress compounded by the fact that I was forced to hide this emotional situation from the people I turn to most was awful.
In my lonesome misery I became horrified by all the seemingly contradictory information on pregnancy and not feeling like I knew what or who to trust. I wouldn’t call myself an anxious person, yet suddenly, I was overtaken by questions and anxiety – some real and some comical.
“Will my kid like me as much as I like my parents?”
“I’m 28 and still call my mom every day, what if this baby never calls me?”
“If it’s a girl everything is going to be pink, I hate pink.”
“God forbid my child is a sociopath.”
“OMG I need to figure out my stance on toy guns and video games?”
“I hear all these commercials about ‘read, sing, talk to your baby from day one’, but then I’ve read your child’s brain needs a break. WTF? When am I going to know to stop talking? Not to mention Old MacDonald sounds great when you’re tone deaf.”
“Honest Company diapers, is it the biggest scam? We all wore Pampers and turned out fine.”
“Is this career suicide?”
“I can’t get my hair dyed for 7 more months – so much for looking like a young mom.”
“EVERYTHING says to take folic acid, but someone told me that too much has a correlation to autism. Seriously?!?! Is my daily kale smoothie and folic acid supplement too much? F**k!!!”
Looking back, it seems silly that those were my biggest fears, but I was so stunned by the positive pregnancy that I think I almost mourned my old life instead of celebrating something I’ve wanted all my life. Then after our nine-week appointment we felt secure enough to tell my parents and sister. The joy of that day was something I’ll remember forever. My tiny mother screaming and leaping nearly five feet in the air was expected. But the biggest surprise was my sister, who burst into tears (out at dinner that night) when I handed her the ultrasound images. Special is the only word to describe the moment. After that day, the worry seemed to wash away. Excitement overwhelmed the initial shock and fear, and suddenly everything felt right. With every person we told, their reactions were a reminder of just how exciting this chapter will be and how it will certainly be anything but isolating.
1 comment