Grief hits me with the same impact that the Toyota Corolla did as it plowed through that red light last January. When my friend died this summer I thought I handled it surprisingly well. I cried for two days, cried at the funeral, and cried from crying at the funeral. But as the summer went on and I realized something. There are those days you are walking to Walgreens on an idle Tuesday night to get laundry detergent and Whitesnake comes on “Tom Petty” Pandora, and you totally lose it. Or you are surfing the web on a lazy Sunday night and see his father writing some heartbreaking note on his Facebook wall, and you totally lose it. Or when you purchase a flight to the wedding of your mutual friend and realize he won’t be there, and you totally lose it. And then there are the times your skin literally crawls because you want to talk to him so badly. You just want to laugh about how much you both love churros. You want to hear your friend’s voice. You don’t want to forget. You are terrified you’ll forget.
Thoughts On Impacts
What has taken me six months to realize is that this irrational fear, this palpable terror stems from guilt. I feel guilty. I feel guilty I didn’t answer that call because I was riding on the bus after a long day at work and I just wanted to chill out and not talk to anyone. I can’t forgive myself. I hope he forgives me for not answering that call. I hope there is a heaven. And I hope I see my friend again someday. No matter how much we do for the people we love, if we lose someone suddenly it’s never going to seem like enough. If we don’t get to say goodbye it will never seem like enough. But I do have faith, faith that I did the best I could. Sometimes grief just sneaks up on you. I guess I just miss my friend.
What a tough time you’re having. Yes there is a heaven and you will see him there.