My 3rd First Trimester

The best part about this blog is its history. It’s my time capsule. Sitting down to write about my first trimester, I had to start by rereading the first-trimester reflection I wrote while pregnant with Caroline. Reading it brings me back to feelings I didn’t even remember I felt. I’m sure in another five years I’ll reread this post and be so thankful I took the time to write it all down. So here it goes. 

I’m writing this at 17 weeks and can already feel my baby fluttering in my stomach. Five years ago when I wrote Caroline’s post I probably had those same flutters and thought they were gas. It’s crazy how much more aware we become with each pregnancy. I found out I was pregnant before I even missed my period because I just had a feeling I was pregnant. Honestly, finding out so early was a blessing and a curse. I wouldn’t be able to get to the doctor for another five weeks. FIVE weeks, 35 days plagued with anxiety, just wanting a doctor’s confirmation of a heartbeat. 

I don’t necessarily believe that life begins at conception, but what I do know is that from the moment I see those two pink lines, I imagine my baby. I wonder how he or she will fit into our family. I wonder who he or she will be. I start thinking of names. I immediately thought, “we need a bigger car”. I immediately wanted to tell everyone. For me, from the moment I see a positive test, it’s impossible for me to imagine anything but what could be. But unlike my first two pregnancies, the imagining wasn’t all positive this time around…

I was the first of my friends to have a baby. I was pregnant for a second time before many of my friends had their first baby. Aside from cholestasis of pregnancy and 5-day-old Caroline being taken by ambulance to the ER to have a lumbar puncture, I had it pretty easy. Ok, that last thing was actually horrific but all said and done, we’ve been very lucky. Since then, I’ve watched friends experience infertility, miscarriage, traumatic birth experiences, and long NICU stays. Truly awful things have happened to the most deserving of couples. With my first two pregnancies, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Now I’ve seen the loss, and now I know. 

I spent the early weeks of my pregnancy anxious in a way I’ve never been before. I felt truly scared that asking for a third healthy pregnancy and baby was asking too much. I’ve often felt, ‘why should I be so lucky?’ There’s no blissful veil of ignorance. My beloved OBGYN has assured me this anxiety is normal with subsequent pregnancies. While her words comforted me enough to tell those close to me, I still don’t think I’ll sigh a true breath of calm until this baby is in my arms. Honestly, I sit here writing scared to put this out into the world before my 20-week ultrasound. Not wanting to jinx anything. 

I like to imagine that someday in the future, Baby G will read this and think, “wow my mom already loved me so much”. So yes, there has been fear, but it’s out of loving someone so much. And that’s the heart of the matter. I am absolutely overcome with love and excitement for Baby G. 

These early flutters – the ones no one but me can feel – I hold on to each one, calming my nerves and reminding me that he or she is there. I am reminded that someone is coming to join our family. And I am so grateful. 

Dave and I have always wanted a big family. We’ve always felt there was room for another around our dinner table and soon there will be. I cannot wait to see who he or she will be and what dynamic this person will add to our family. I can’t wait to see how my capacity for love seamlessly expands to hold one more. <3