My (Last) Third Trimester

It’s funny how commonplace it is to ask young children what they want to be when they grow up. I wonder how many kids actually go on to be what they said they wanted? I can’t even remember what my answer was, but I certainly was not someone who grew up knowing what she wanted to be. But one thing I’ve always known is that I wanted to be a mom. 

I always wanted four kids, and at the beginning of this pregnancy, I still did. It wasn’t until recently that I’ve felt very sure that three is the right number for us. My husband has always been steadfast, he was happy with two, open to a third at the right time, but ‘no way’ on a fourth. A few weeks ago we were sitting on the couch and I said to him, “it’s weird, I always wanted four kids but after this pregnancy, I really can never imagine being pregnant again.” For the past nine years of being with Dave, kids and family has always been a topic of discussion. Whether it was that we wanted kids, or when to start trying, the years being pregnant, or the times when we were ready for another – it’s always just been there – the openness to more. Now I know our family is complete, and it’s such a strange feeling. This pregnancy feels final in a way Caroline and Elyce’s were not. I very much feel I can be the mom I want to be to three kids, not four. As someone who has spent her whole life wanting to be a mom (of four), the fact that we’re closing this chapter is surreal.  

It’s strange knowing that once he or she arrives, everything we experience will be with our complete family. There won’t be any more holidays where we’ll say, ‘this time next year we’ll have a 9-month-old’. There will only be Christmas cards with a family of five, no more no less. 

Since Elyce joined us, I’ve always known we had room for another at our dinner table. I never looked around and felt like someone was missing, but Dave and I often talked about how for us, two kids felt very linear. Another would add just the right amount of personality that felt enough for us. And despite what every single stranger in a store may think, no we are not trying for a boy. We simply decided we wanted a third personality around our dinner table. 

A couple of weeks ago Caroline was educating us on the Quetzalcoatlus – the largest flying creature of all time – obviously. After I got over how funny this exchange was, I couldn’t help but think about what Baby G will want to be. 

Me: “Caroline, you’re going to be a really great teacher someday. You’re so good at explaining hard things.”

Elyce: “I’m not going to be a good teacher.”

Me: “Well, you don’t want to be a teacher. Didn’t you say you wanted to be a doctor?”

Elyce: “No. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, I’m only three.”

Caroline loves to learn, is endlessly curious, and has the memory of an elephant. Elyce is whip-smart but more driven by fun and has quieter confidence. How will Baby G be like Caroline and Elyce, and how will he or she be unique? Who will this baby be? 

As I draw near to my due date, I feel at peace with this being our last baby. I’m so ready to welcome him or her and move forward as a family of five, experiencing everything as a complete unit, not one that still has the door open for more.  

*I cannot thank my dear friend Jeremy enough for helping me close this chapter of my life with such beauty and permanence. While I didn’t do maternity photos with my first two, these pictures represent all my babies and the calling I’ve always felt – to be a mother.